and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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