that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The uberlube is also flammable
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
