I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
