so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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