She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
