didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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