He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
