I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
