I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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