i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I need moral support for this bender
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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