one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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