I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
