Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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