I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
