I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
