I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
