The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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