You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
