either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
