I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
