at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
