New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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