party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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