u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
