I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
