I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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