The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My life is pants optional.
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