So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
