My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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