The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
