the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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