love makes seman taste better
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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