You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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