Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
