I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
