I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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