My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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