Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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