I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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