If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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