she woke up with a sticky ear
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
