I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
