how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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