I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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