You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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