no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
