omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
