So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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