Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
