you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
