I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
where does the pee come out of this thing
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
