a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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